Remembering

Thirteen years ago today, as I watched the towers fall, I knew I needed to record my thoughts. We all experienced it that day, in various ways, and we all remember. Here's my story:

September 11, 2001

9:12 pm

I was lying in bed when I heard Alison's little footsteps pounding through the house as she ran into our bedroom.  It's her daily routine—she runs in the room, stands next to me and says "Can I come in?" and without waiting for an answer, she climbs up into our bed taking over my spot.  Chad had left for work less than an hour earlier.  I moved over to his spot on the bed and cuddled up to Alison's little body.  Just as I got comfortable I heard Jackson yelling "mom-eeeeeee" at the top of his lungs.  I got out of bed and went into his room where he was laying upside down in his new blue race car bed.  I picked him up and he hugged me as I carried him back to my bed.  

We climbed in with Alison and the kids instantly started playing together.  Once they start, they don't stop until nap time so I knew it was going to be an exciting day.  The phone began to ring and I didn't want to answer it.  We listened to my mother-in-law leave a message on our answering machine.  Slowly I climbed out of bed and looked at the clock.  It was about 10 minutes until 7.  The kids and I went in their room and since they both had runny noses, I cleaned them up and put them in warm snuggly clothes thinking we would have a nice cozy day at home.  I brushed their hair and they were ready to go.  The house was really cold, so I built them a fort from the couch cushions and blankets.  They loved it.  I turned on the TV so the kids could watch the Teletubbies. I got online and checked my morning e-mail and entered my daily sweepstakes.  Same thing I do every morning.

Around 8 am, the phone rang again.  It was my sister, Heather, who was going to come up and visit for a bit.  

"Well, I guess I won't be coming up today,” she said.  

"Why?  What's going on?"  I replied, not thinking much about it.  

"Haven't you seen the news?  Rachel, we're under terrorist attack!!"  

"WHAT?"  I said, more amused than anything.  

"The World Trade Center is completely GONE…" 

As she said this, I turned on King 5 News just in time to see an airplane crashing into one of the twin towers.  The other tower had a huge gaping hole where another plane had crashed 18 minutes earlier.  I said something along the lines of "thank you" to her and we quickly got off the phone.  I stood 6 inches from the television watching  in absolute shock, while my babies ran and played around me. 

My mind was racing so fast that I'm not quite sure what happened next.  I believe I stood in front of the TV for a good 15 minutes, at times with a huge lump in my throat.  I remember thinking "hmmm, I wonder if Regis and Kelly still did their show” and then I remember thinking "I saw this on Godzilla"...  But as the news progressed and as my mind cleared, the reality of it began to hit.  Thousands and thousands were probably dead.  I then began to think "Oh my god, please don't let there be a day care in that building".  I remember the images from Oklahoma and don't think I could bear to see them again.  I saw no dead babies this time.  Instead I saw terrified adults leaping out of the buildings, killing themselves.  This was a whole new set of terrifying images.  I began to think, "I'm not safe here.  This is supposed to be a safe country". 

Once again, the phone rang and it was Chad.  Instantly I started to cry.  I wanted to have him come home and make me feel safe.  He was fine and he would stay at work for the day.  I don't remember what we talked about.  But when we got off the phone, it rang again.  It was my mother-in-law, Cheryle.  Again, I don't remember what we talked about.  I do know that she told me to go buy candles and batteries, water and staples.  Something about a World War.  That reminded me that I had to go grocery shopping.  I didn't want to leave the house, I wanted to hide inside with my babies.  Instead, I got the kids ready and we left. 

The streets were almost empty.  It was a little after 9 am, I made a point to look at people's faces as they drove by me.  I guess maybe I wanted to see their reaction to the news.  I was sure everyone knew.  One lady was rubbing her eyes as if she was wiping away tears.  I pulled into the Fred Meyer parking lot, trying to sound excited as Alison told me about all the things we were going to buy while we were there.  I even let her walk all by herself through the store.  She felt like such a big girl.  Walking the aisles, I realized I should've made a list.  I had no idea what we needed.  I couldn't think clearly.  My mind was still filled with strange and confusing thoughts.  I saw few customers in the store and those I made eye contact with gave me a look that I can't describe.  Some shook their head almost in disbelief.  Some looked as confused as I felt.  I grabbed what I thought we needed and even took the kids to the bakery for their cookie.  They always get a cookie from the ladies in the bakery, it's their favorite thing about Fred Meyer.  We got in the check-out line and waited while the cashier rang me up.  "You have beautiful children,” she said.  That was a welcome comment and I thanked her, telling her that she had just made my day a little better.  I got 50 dollars cash back 'just in case' and we went home.

We live right below McChord Air force Base's flight path and there were no planes flying this morning.  None.  All airports in the entire nation had been shut down.  It was really a creepy sort of silence.  Everything just felt 'off'.  I unpacked the groceries as I listened to a message on the answering machine from my mom.  It sounded like she had no clue of what was happening in our country.  I called her back and she had just found out.  Again, I don't remember what we talked about.  I was struggling so hard to collect my thoughts. 

Jackson went right down for a nap and Alison had a tea party.  I sat down and wrote the two of them a letter.  I just really wanted them to know how much I love them.  I wanted them to know that they had just experienced history in the making and they had no clue.  Maybe I also wanted to write out my thoughts—I don't know.  After I finished the letter, I turned off the news, and let Alison watch two of her programs, Dora the Explorer and Little Bill.  I read a magazine (Rosie) and tried to shake the depression I was feeling.  I felt shocked, sickened, saddened, angry, scared, anxious, and yet, a little bit awe-struck.  Trying to deal with those feelings at once is overwhelming. 

I made lunch for the kids when Jackson woke up and they ate like the good little kids they are.  The rest of the day was spent watching more news.  Hearing more stories about how horrific this attack was.  How our country will never be the same.  Wondering "what now?"  Trying to pray but completely at a loss for words.

I spoke with friends and family throughout the day.  The conversations were all the same, expressions of disbelief were repeated over and over.  Everyone is in shock.  Everything has changed.  Our whole country has just shifted.  But no one knows exactly how.  There is so much confusion.  We still don't know the death toll.  The news has announced they believe between 100 and 800 people are dead at the Pentagon alone.  There are about 250 firefighters and 200 police officers believed to be dead.  Hundreds of people that were trapped on the 4 hijacked planes are dead.  And God only knows how many people are dead that were in the twin towers when they collapsed.  But it's got to be thousands.  Thousands of innocent people killed at the hands of terrorists.  Terrorists who believe they are doing God's will.

In Palestine today the people were celebrating in the streets, chanting, "God is Good!" and passing out candy to the citizens there.  Unfortunately for them, God IS good.  And He is just.  And somehow, His hand is in this.  This morning I was talking to Alison and telling her about Jesus.  I told her Jesus loved her so much and that one day we get to be with Him.  That we will all go to heaven and be together.  She looked up at me and said "I don't want to go heaven... I went there yesterday."  I hugged her tight, laughing and crying at the same time.  She makes things better.  My kids make things better.  In the midst of all the tragedy and sadness, I actually take joy in knowing that my kids are clueless.  They don't know how lucky they are.

So, Chad and I are getting ready to tuck them in for the night.  Into their warm little beds that—up until 8 o’clock this morning—I thought were safe.  I will stay awake with my husband and watch the news.  And hopefully allow some of this to sink in.  I'm sure we won't find the answers we're looking for and we will probably only feel worse tomorrow.  But we will get through this and move on and our lives will pick up where they momentarily left off.  Sadly, thousands of others will not.