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| Kindergarten Graduation, 2005 |
As my kids were growing up, every time they entered a new
stage of life I would always think, “Wait. Nobody prepared me for this. What am I supposed to do? I’m not ready for this yet.” And then
I’d cry.
My thoughts were always followed by—in this exact order—slight panic, a lot of prayer, reluctant acceptance, and then finally: excitement. Always excitement for the
next chapter. It just took some time to get there.
I went through this process every time my kids gained more
independence from me: when my babies didn’t need to nurse anymore and switched to bottles, when they
didn’t need me to buckle them into their car seats, when they started school, when
they stopped holding my hand in public and ran six steps ahead of me. Each time they reached a new level of
independence, I had a quiet, nervous breakdown in my mind. Allow me to now have one publicly.
Ali, my firstborn, graduates from high school in two days, and lately I’ve found myself thinking, “Wait. Nobody prepared me for this,” and I can sense that old familiar cycle beginning, reminding me that I might actually be a
little crazy. But this time, things are different. This time, along with my fear that “I’m not ready for this,”
is my concern that Ali might not be either. Did I teach her enough about life to
prepare her for adulthood? Did I lead by example, or was I, more often than not,
an example of what not to do? I don’t think I taught her how to iron; is that
still a thing? What am I missing? Quick, I only have two days.
When Ali crosses that stage Friday night, she will cross into a
state of independence that I don’t know how to navigate as a mother. Of course she’ll
still need me, but what she’ll need more is for me to encourage her to be independent.
How am I going to do that when I still want to buckle her into her car seat and
read her books at night? I’ve devoted my entire life to being a good mom and preparing
her to become an independent young woman, and now I’m wondering if I could just
hobble her so she sticks around for a while longer (even though she has no plans
to move out. See? Crazy Town).
But here’s what I know: Ali has lived an amazing life with
parents who love her, who love each other, and who point her to Jesus. She’s responsible and reliable,
she’s kind and generous, she always avoids drama and doesn’t allow people to
manipulate her. What else could I want for her? That she learns how to iron? I should teach her how to iron before it's too late.
Because we’ll all be living together.
